122| lists.

clearly, i'm in a blogging mood today {i also have fifteen minutes to kill until the end of my work morning and the much anticipated lunch out}.

so, what did i do with the first five of the fifteen minutes? why, i looked at the knot.com, of course, like any insane bride would. right then. there are one-hundred-and-eighty-four things on my "list" to be completed. i checked off all the ones that i thought didn't apply to me/him/us/our wedding/our party {as my father is now calling it, because there are no aunts, uncles invited, and therefore it can't possibly be a wedding}.

there were still twenty-one things. more manageable, sure. but twenty-one things. it's still a lot of pressure to do and check and make and think and participate in this grand scheme.

actually, there were only twenty. i left one unchecked because i thought it was the most ridiculous thing i had ever heard. ever.

Brides: Choose your bridesmaids' accessories (shoes, gloves, etc.) and either purchase or pass along purchasing information.

you know, because my bridesmaid is not twenty-three and cannot make these types of decisions on her own.

when she {steph} was in town this week, we went to a nice trendy dress shop and bought her a nice, cute dress, that she looks incredible in. she wanted to buy it right away. i told her we should take a second look. and we did. but in te end, she was right. and i trusted her. and she will look incredible. without. doubt.

the strange thing about the knot is that it is so redunant. you're supposed to do the same things every month. it doesn't make a lot of sense. the words "submit your wedding anouncement" appears in five different sentences in five different months {although, i think the knot assumes that we are supposed to have engagement announcements and wedding announcements as separate entities. we have neither, thankfully}.

it reminds me of the instructions on a box of tea:

1. open box
2. remove sachet of tea
3. boil water
4. unwrap string from sachet
5. procure cups and teapot
6. place sachet in teapot
7. when water has reached its boiling point, pour water into teapot
8. let tea steep
9. once the tea has steeped to your liking, pour into cup(s)
10. enjoy
11. remove tea sachet before the tea becomes too strong

it's tea, for heaven's sake. and that's kind of how i feel about this wedding business: as long as i am married at the end of the day, and as long as i have had my share of cake and ice cream, i will be very, particularly delighted and it will have been a marvelous success of a wedding.

image my own {from where i hope to have our photos done.}

78| in which the rabbit hole opens, and kaitlin falls through.

subtitle: what the f*, part two.

i ought to create a separate label for the parental front. but i'd rather blog about other things, so that's why i don't. that said, the emails and conversations this afternoon were all sorts of no-good-terribly-bad. which makes for two of those days in one week...australia, here i come!

backstory: my father, an investor, refused to tell me for the last five years what my finances were like {six figure, dizzying numbers it appears}. once the market toppled over itself, he was outted. not only was he outted about his mistakes financially, but he and my mother were unable to contribute to our wedding, which they desperately wanted to do. at the same time, he had a proverbial carrot hanging over my nose for the past five years in the form of "do-what-i-say-or-you-will-never-see-your-investments" bullying. to be honest, as awful as losing that money was, i wasn't well acquainted with it, and i quite prefer the freedom that came from being financial independent.

now that you've read the fine print: my father sent me an email today {in response to my email about convocation}, in which he reiterated his "right" to do my taxes for the year. his rationale being that as of 2009, i will be "a poor college student" and therefore my taxes will be easier, and this year's would be too difficult for me to do. so, i called him and told him that i would listen while he explained to me why it was so imperative for him to do them, and that i would then explain to him why i needed to deal with them this year.

without boring you over all the small details, this resulted in a small shoutfest in the rideau centre {for shame}. i got him off the phone, and then proceeded to talk to my mother, which led to a discussion about weddings.

in addition to financial management, my parents and i also have very, very differing positions on weddings. the thing is, my parents are just that stubborn that they have threatened not once, but twice now, to not come to the wedding if they don't get their way. why don't you just stamp your feet and pout like a four-year-old {or at least society's depiction of four-year-olds.}

while on the phone with my mother, my father wrote me a scathing email about how grateful i should be {and, i am} that i am so fortunate to have had the money that i had, and how god-forbid we "punish" them {my parents} by not inviting the 75 people they had in mind. it was a really awful combination of guilt trip + bullying, which both my parents are known for. he went on for paragraphs about gifts from the past, and how it should all somehow equate to him still having financial and/or emotional control over my life.

i really don't get it. but i do know that these issues are bigger than a blog post could ever explain. and thankfully, my parents are nowhere near internet-saavy enough {nor are their friends} to understand how to find my blog, if they ever wanted to.

77| what. the. f*

i cannot express in words the sense of anger i feel towards my parents at this exact moment. which is exactly why i'm writing a draft email, very carefully before hitting the send key. i do not doubt, noble readers, that you will hear more of this tonight.

grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble.

76| when is enough too much?

i had an interesting conversation with my trainer on tuesday, in which she asked me if i was going to the gym everyday. i told her what my activity routine each week was:

• monday, tuesday, friday, saturday: gym
• wednesday: ultimate
• thursday/sunday: rest, with a good bit of walking or what-have-you thrown in

come summer, i will add sometime-monday and definitely-tuesday ultimate to the mix, and scale back my gym days by one.

well, my trainer didn't think this was quite enough, and was suggesting that i "step up" my routine on thursday and sunday to include a jog. puh-lease! i love how exercising makes me feel. but then again, i also quite enjoy a good walk through the neighbourhood breathing at a normal pace. srsly.

i get that she had my best interest at ♥, but last week, my workout routine was such:

• monday, tuesday, thursday: gym
• wednesday: two games of ultimate, both played without any girl subs {chalk it up to just under three hours of hard running}

why didn't i go to the gym friday. or saturday? or at all until tuesday?
because my body was f*ing tired.

so, please, don't ask me to do enough if it's too much. because chances are, the long-term outcome will be worse than if i do just the right amount.

ps: i've already lost just under 10lbs in three weeks. so, really, i hardly feel like i'm not doing enough.
pps: there is no such thing as a beautiful picture of "exercise". believe me, i looked.

71| maybe i could move to australia?

i slept in, really really late, making it near impossible for me to reasonably get in a half day at work, before leaving.

i left my {underfinished} assignment on my computer. the most up-to-date copy i have is from friday. which is before i made seven pages of edits and changes. word count on my computer: over 4000 words. word count on the copy in my inbox: 525. fuck.

i also have all these wonderful ideas and thoughts running around my head, which i would love to blog about, but sadly, that cannot be done. at least not right now.

oh, and doing the other five pages will be hard today, given that i have a meeting with my boss...karma. is. a circle.